Thursday, October 28, 2010

Week 9 Rewrite

The Whore in Me

I can feel the little hairs on the back of neck stand and send shivers down my spine; he is eyeing me, staring me up and down, I am aroused and enticed all from his very presence. The power he has and doesn’t even realize it; the control I lose when tempted by him - every fiber of my being fights to resist his calls to me. I’m able to walk away…this time.

***

Katahdin was my goal this summer and I hurdled each boulder up Abol with enthusiasm and excitement (ok…some sweat too); I’ve worked hard to condition my body for this climb and I’m not stopping here . Battling weight my entire life, a year and a half ago, I stood 5’1 and morbidly obese (or so I was told by my doctor). My squat frame tipped the scales beyond the 230 mark; I was waddling my way into our family tradition of diabetes, high blood pressure and other various weight problems. Change was mandatory.

Yet change was not always easy. Mike walked out of G & M variety with a dozen jelly and creams from Dunkin Donuts, I sighed and asked him, “why do you not want me to lose weight?”

“You will become a whore.” he said and handed me a glazed goodie. I rolled down my window and chucked it out; my will power was not always this strong but his comment had set my mood.

In fact, it inspired me…inspired to waltz into Bangor’s Goodwill to look for some new clothes. It’s taken about 18 months, 48 krav and fit classes, 96 karate lessons, over 260 miles biking Hancock county, multiply hikes through Acadia and endless trips to the YMCA to drop about eighty pounds - going from a tight 24 to a 20 to 16... and now my 16’s were hanging; I needed something new.

Fresh off Katahdin, my legs were looking hot, so I decided to stroll through the skirts. I happened across a little mini skirt; chuckled as I lifted the size 8 and thought this will never cover my booty but, inspired my Mike’s comment, it came with me to the dressing room. I couldn’t believe it, shocked and amazed, I had found me a whore skirt and….damn I looked pretty good in it!

***

Regardless of where I went the thought of him followed me; I tried to tune him out forget about the luscious vision I had of him. I’ve always liked the big, dark, black ones but how could I do this - to my family, to myself; I could not let my desires overtake me. Yes, I wanted him - I wanted to experience all he had to offer; let him sooth me, let him waltz with me, let him fill me…

The agony was almost unbearable, it was a yearning beyond comprehension - like when you’ve held your breath too long or your so afraid - that dizzy feeling that comes is just what I was experiencing. Lightheaded and stirred up, he beckoned to me - I found my moment and drew nearer. But knowing I shouldn’t take any more steps, I paused… my kids will be disappointed, my mother raised me better, Mike, oh god, what would Mike think and me - would I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I went through with this…

Catching my hesitation, he intensified his hold on me, probing me from a distance, and I felt weak in the knees; stopping to sit for a moment I glanced down at my exposed thighs - damn Abol sure had worked its’ magic - the definition was clearly lined, even my calves appeared a little more lifted. How could I ruin it all now, I believe in the ‘Law of 3’ and what goes around comes around, karma always finds a way…so how could I risk this…It wasn’t right to cave into the temptation and let him have me and I him; I would be punished.

Penalized how - I’m not sure, maybe my abs would turn back to flab and protrude past my belt loops (muffin tops are in - right?), or my thighs will lose their definition, my chins will return (all three of them) or maybe my extra ass will reform on my lower back…my knees could scream and refuse anymore lunges or side kicks and my progress could halt and revert. It’s hard to say what could really happen but, sadly, the power of belief is strong, and I believe punishment would follow if I was to continue on to him.

However, at the least, I could still be a gracious host and be so kind to escort him out and bid him farewell. I rose from my seated position, adjusted my whore skirt, and moved closer. I could feel the static between us intensify, electric waves encompassed us and closed us in…could I simply say goodbye and part on good terms.

The minutes slowed for me, paused momentarily, as the two critters on my shoulders debated. Ooo, I wanted him, he was fine, mighty fine; just what I liked. He wanted me too, I sensed it. He spoke not a word but I could hear him, he flirted without words - tempted without tongue. Oh god, the lure was too strong, I was being sucked in; why wasn’t my brain working - after all this was only lust - right? I could fight lust. Calm, breath, think of the consequences. Who would forgive me, could I look at anyone in the eyes, would my world stop and the fat drip back on? I really needed to find my strength.

I heard a noise from the side door. Someone was coming. I had to decide. He froze, motionless, like he did not want to be discovered by anyone but me. I tried to act nonchalantly, smothering my desires deep down so not to be too obvious to who was approaching and, damn, wouldn’t it figure, it was Mike.

Mike stepped in and stood still; glanced at me then turned his eyes to him. We formed a triangle the three of us; a scary, odd, love triangle of sorts. Could Mike read me, did he recognize the look in my eyes, what was my body language saying. I needed to make my move; I slowly stepped forward but it was too late - Mike was stepping towards him. Mike gave me an odd sideward’s glance - phew - he had no idea; he had not picked up on the vibes, the looks, my body language…he was none the wiser. But just the same he moved in towards him with his own purpose in mind, faster than I, Mike reached out and grabbed!

As he loosened the grip on his shirt he smoothed it and joked, “Had ya there bud didn’t I?” Mike looked at him, at me and at the plate on the counter between us all. “Looks like one donut is left.” He snatched it up and walked off. My friend stood, paused and looked at me. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t take the next step. He said not a word; hung his head and walked out the door.

I was empty; the ache in my stomach hurt beyond belief. Standing alone. I caught my reflection in the window; there I was - me in my whore skirt. My heart longed for love, my belly longed for the donut; my body had not betrayed me but my mind had. At that moment, I realized, I was turning into the very thing Mike had accused me of becoming…

13 comments:

  1. To save you time, I will mention only the last two paragraphs are new and they are the only difference from the first draft.

    ReplyDelete
  2. May I ask a question and I am in no way trying to argue with your or insult you... I really want to understand.

    First, there are movies like the "Sixth Sense" (tricky ending) or countless other... and books like this too. It happens. Maybe the whole story or maybe only a chapter. I'm not saying that makes it right but I'm not quite understanding why it is wrong.

    For some, maybe there is no struggle with food and maybe they have happy relationships but for others sometimes the fight with food is so intense it is like it is a being all of it's own. No joke, yes this means I'm sick in the head I guess, but I've argued with woopie pies (my major weekness). No joke, when I'm down and out - it's like a sickness and they call to me like they are the drug that can heal the wounds of heartache.

    Now, I know cheating is serious. Sadly, some of us are a bit desensitized to the idea and seriousness of it (maybe, in part, due to the fact it's being done to them - hard to say...). I believe most people know it is serious.

    However, why is it wrong to make light of serious things in a joking way? I'm not saying you are wrong...please, not trying to disrespect your teaching and comments - I like them very much (good and bad) I just really want to understand this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oops this post above has typos - sorry about those... and I should mention it is about Week 9 before the rewrite.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey stephanie, I know I was irritable in my email to you last weekend, but that was in defense of my baby chicks. I'm not offended or or insulted or threatened or worried about or likely to go off on someone who simply questions my opinions--though I realize there are teachers who are never wrong, I haven't found myself to be one of them. So, no problem whatsoever.

    First, let me make my own bias clear: I hated 'Sixth Sense.'

    Generally the writer has to play fair with the reader. Certainly the writer can withhold information or dole it out as she likes or dash reader expectations or resolve things in a surprising way. But the writer cannot make the point of the piece: 'Haha, you thought I meant X! Silly you!'

    Especially not when the topics at hand are deadly serious. I'm not saying the writer can't deal with serious topics in a light way--absolutely not.

    But humor is tough. Comedians say, 'Dying is easy, comedy is tough.' Because if your audience does not laugh, does not get your humor, you die out there on stage and the audience will be hostile very quickly. That was my reaction when I read the chocolate cruller graf.

    I'm not telling you some theory that you have to accept or not, up to you, up for debate. I'm telling you I felt like I'd been misled. I was not laughing. If your audience does not laugh, you're dead! There's no arguing against that.

    So you have two serious topics: cheating and food addiction. I thought you did a nice job with both of them in the original right up to that last graf. There I thought you betrayed the seriousness of what had gone before with a trick unworthy of the material.

    No doubt I overstated the case with 'the writer must never ever do this.' But you won't see me renting 'Sixth Sense' anytime soon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes! That new last graf is The One--insightful, honest, satisfying for the reader.

    But I bet you still miss the 'Sixth Sense' graf, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes, I prefer the way I wrote it the first time. This rewrite was a half-hearted fix. I'm sure there is a way to convey what I want to with this and still have it be good...I'm just not sure how - yet.

    Some readers might like the first and some the second... Some people liked the 'Sixth Sense' and some are with you and didn't...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Taking an on-line class is tricky isn't it. Sometimes we say things we might not say if we were face to face.

    My first reaction to this comment was... "um, ya helpful." But I thought - wow, that comes across very rude and I don't mean it to sound that way or to be rude to you.

    So, I guess...with this one and week 6 (and the others) if you've accepted them as done - I'll leave them as done. And move on and start week 10 when you post it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I was worried that my comment might sound rude or unhelpful, but it was my shorthand for this: at a certain point, my role of teacher ends; the essay is good, good enough for me to be satisfied with as teacher, and so the rest, if there is a rest, lies with you, the author; it's out of my hands and into yours.

    If you want to continue to work on pieces, I'll gladly offer any comments that occur to me, but unless you hear the magic word 'rewrite,' you are done with it as a 262 student, though perhaps just beginning with it as a writer.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've deleted every attempt I've made to write back to this comment and I think I've realized I'll just type:

    O.K.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I've been commenting today on my anonymous beeyatch blog if that's relevant.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi - here's something that is odd: I just got home and checking my e-mail...I've not thought about Amway in a long time until I wrote this story. And here is an e-mail I had when I got home tonight. haha

    Hello,

    I was searching online to find more info about Amway
    and I came across your information.

    Can you tell me, are you still involved with Amway? If
    you are, how are things going for you?

    Please let me know.

    Sincerely,
    Wendell
    wendell@leadmasterspro.com

    ***

    Oh, and

    OK :|

    ReplyDelete