It's dark and dreary out this morning so I've spent an exceedingly large amount of time just playing on-line; not a good habit. However, while researching, I came across something that gave me a chill when I read it:
"Man is born to Die, His Works are Short-lived Buildings Crumble, Monuments Decay, Wealth Vanishes But Katahdin in All Its Glory Forever Shall Remain the Mountain of the People of Maine"
What is my passion for wanting to climb this mountain? I simply don't know but it doesn't change my desire to want to do it. I can see myself at the top, resting, viewing the world before me with the breeze cooling me down and the same chill I felt this morning when I read that quote, climbing up my spine and allowing a shiver to escape my body. Sitting upon mother earth will I feel her heartbeat? Will it be a feeling of accomplishment? Closer to the divine? A connection to the earth? Or will it just be?
I was reading a bit about Katahdin and read that it is very rich in Native American lore. The Native American tribes were wise beyond what man today will ever fully understand or appreciate; they would recognize the importance of working together, leaving pride behind and honoring all the souls for their connected contributes - so unlike man today.
This journey I feel I'm on with this weight loss, this search for a healthier happier me, I'm learning that I can not - nor should I try to believe - that it should be done alone....it is a tribe that helps carry us when our muscles rest. To think otherwise would be foolish...and I have thought otherwise thus the long rollercoaster ride I was once buying countless tickets to ride.
If I was to start dishing out 'thank yous' for the parts of my body that have already left me (like one of my extra butts) the list is already lengthy and I'm only half way there.
I've talked with others and hear them tell me about how hard they have worked to shed some pounds and control their diets and in their stories I hear a lot of "I", "me" and "my"....well, I don't doubt it - I believe they've worked very hard - heck I know I have but that's only a part of it. It took support, encouraging words (even unencouraging words), babysitting, cash, time, effort and so much more from friends, family, new acquaintances and even strangers. It's funny how so much ties together. Each day is a struggle, something new that I encounter and by the end of the day I've met a new person that I need to thank.
Today’s challenge was a Twinkie. Odd eh? I don't usually buy them or even allow them in the house but yesterday was Zac's birthday and his request was for Twinkies. Phoebe brought one to me this morning to open for her... my heart raced, pulse quickened and even a few droplets of sweat trickled down my brow. My mind thought of a zillion reasons not to eat it a zillion other reasons why it would be ok to just indulge. Bless (bless is a code word for shoot) the people who can simply indulge and gain no extra weight for doing so. Curse (curse is code word for reward) those of us who can not and have the will power to walk away. However, I feel a slight tremble as I write this...perhaps the battle is not over just yet. The Twinkie and I will perhaps still have our face off...till then I thank the extra children in my home for asking for Twinkies for breakfast.
So, the challenge I'm working toward....is it the hike up Katahdin or is it the hike along the rocky edge of my will power?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
It's been awhile...
Everyone has to start somewhere - right? But where to start....
Remember being younger and playing the game, "Life"? I sucked at that game (nothing like Monopoly). Why did I not see it - that "Life" was surprisingly similar to life.
However, they should update and add a few more realistic spots. I mean sure - some are right on the money like all those little spots after you get married...honeymoons are a lot like that - one problem after another right from the beginning (and p.s. to newly weds - it never stops and I'm not referring to the sex - that often does or at least slows down). The spots I'm referring to that should be added are ones like, "go back 10 spaces for moving back in with your folks" or "lose a turn for gaining 50 extra pounds that you can not blame on the new baby". You know things along this line.
I mean they do not teach you in high school about real life; we learn all sorts of useful things - history, science, algebra and how to sneak a smoke on your break but what you don't learn is how to not get bored in your marriage, how to survive on macaroni and ketchup and not gain extra weight or how to find and keep a decent paying job when all you learned prior to graduation is history, science, algebra.
Ok, I'm downplaying the importance of education. I don't mean to do that, it is important, valuable and I'm happy to have had it but looking back I realize there is room for improvements in the system but that's another story.
In all honesty so much of my life so far I've had to learn as I go...trial and error and it's not the easiest course. Remember how our parents told us not to do something because they had been there done that and then whatever they said next we didn't hear because we were too busy rolling our eyes and thinking about how we were going to sneak out with our friends later that evening....well, maybe our parents were on to something with those warnings - if only I had listened.
No, instead I learned on my own - as I went - the hard way. I can't say that is is the road less traveled...so many of us don't listen - no, no I encountered a lot of other people going through things just like I was - many other fools.
So now I'm 33 years old and I can feel myself on a different road once again. Wait, better yet, a different level. You know those "over the hill" jokes...well guess what - there really is a freaking hill! Yep, that's right. Here's my take on it so far...
At the bottom on the first side is all the pretty green grass and wild flowers - we are all just babes in Toyland at this point. Not a care in the world simply enjoying the new bodies we were born into.
We climb a couple of rocks as teens and get a taste for that level up. We get cocky and daring. We now see the grass below and realize if we fall...it's not really so far. So we do stupid things - skip school, try the pot, have sex with a variety of people, smoke the cigs and get so drunk our friends carry us home and sneak us in through our bedroom windows.
Our twenties are only a couple of stones higher but it is a major difference because now we think we know it all. We want to be adults but we still want our meals cooked for us and our laundry washed and dried by mumma. We've discovered that we must work to stay on those higher rocks but we are not ready to spend our earnings on the necessities...we feel the need for the latest movie, ipod, or cell phone is way more important at this time. Our elders are all clueless and the youth is so annoying. In our twenties - we own that hill.
We hit our 30's and this was like a big jump and the hill developed cliffs...we are climbing them all through our 30's. If we have yet married we are looking - fearing our child bearing years are nearing their end. If we have married and had children we wonder why the hell we did that so soon. Our loved ones that are just a bit older start to die and the younger ones are screwing up left and right and we've dished out so many "I've told you so's" that we realize karma is knocking at the door along with the bill collectors. We teeter on the edge of our trail up the hill and contemplate life frequently but are often so busy wrapped up in the moment that we don't realize it is passing us by. At this point in time, many of us realize with all of our contemplations, what they heck have we done to ourselves and how can we fix it. This could be in the form of failed marriages, one too many run ins with the law, failed childhood dreams, or simply the shallow fact that we can no longer walk up stairs without sweating and gasping for air and we can no longer fit into those jeans we were wearing just a few months (years) ago...the ones in the back of our closets (men have them too) that looked so great on us (in our teens and twenties) and now have a layer of fat (new) clothes piled up on top of them. We wonder.... "what the hell happened and when?"
And so I guess here is where I begin...
Remember being younger and playing the game, "Life"? I sucked at that game (nothing like Monopoly). Why did I not see it - that "Life" was surprisingly similar to life.
However, they should update and add a few more realistic spots. I mean sure - some are right on the money like all those little spots after you get married...honeymoons are a lot like that - one problem after another right from the beginning (and p.s. to newly weds - it never stops and I'm not referring to the sex - that often does or at least slows down). The spots I'm referring to that should be added are ones like, "go back 10 spaces for moving back in with your folks" or "lose a turn for gaining 50 extra pounds that you can not blame on the new baby". You know things along this line.
I mean they do not teach you in high school about real life; we learn all sorts of useful things - history, science, algebra and how to sneak a smoke on your break but what you don't learn is how to not get bored in your marriage, how to survive on macaroni and ketchup and not gain extra weight or how to find and keep a decent paying job when all you learned prior to graduation is history, science, algebra.
Ok, I'm downplaying the importance of education. I don't mean to do that, it is important, valuable and I'm happy to have had it but looking back I realize there is room for improvements in the system but that's another story.
In all honesty so much of my life so far I've had to learn as I go...trial and error and it's not the easiest course. Remember how our parents told us not to do something because they had been there done that and then whatever they said next we didn't hear because we were too busy rolling our eyes and thinking about how we were going to sneak out with our friends later that evening....well, maybe our parents were on to something with those warnings - if only I had listened.
No, instead I learned on my own - as I went - the hard way. I can't say that is is the road less traveled...so many of us don't listen - no, no I encountered a lot of other people going through things just like I was - many other fools.
So now I'm 33 years old and I can feel myself on a different road once again. Wait, better yet, a different level. You know those "over the hill" jokes...well guess what - there really is a freaking hill! Yep, that's right. Here's my take on it so far...
At the bottom on the first side is all the pretty green grass and wild flowers - we are all just babes in Toyland at this point. Not a care in the world simply enjoying the new bodies we were born into.
We climb a couple of rocks as teens and get a taste for that level up. We get cocky and daring. We now see the grass below and realize if we fall...it's not really so far. So we do stupid things - skip school, try the pot, have sex with a variety of people, smoke the cigs and get so drunk our friends carry us home and sneak us in through our bedroom windows.
Our twenties are only a couple of stones higher but it is a major difference because now we think we know it all. We want to be adults but we still want our meals cooked for us and our laundry washed and dried by mumma. We've discovered that we must work to stay on those higher rocks but we are not ready to spend our earnings on the necessities...we feel the need for the latest movie, ipod, or cell phone is way more important at this time. Our elders are all clueless and the youth is so annoying. In our twenties - we own that hill.
We hit our 30's and this was like a big jump and the hill developed cliffs...we are climbing them all through our 30's. If we have yet married we are looking - fearing our child bearing years are nearing their end. If we have married and had children we wonder why the hell we did that so soon. Our loved ones that are just a bit older start to die and the younger ones are screwing up left and right and we've dished out so many "I've told you so's" that we realize karma is knocking at the door along with the bill collectors. We teeter on the edge of our trail up the hill and contemplate life frequently but are often so busy wrapped up in the moment that we don't realize it is passing us by. At this point in time, many of us realize with all of our contemplations, what they heck have we done to ourselves and how can we fix it. This could be in the form of failed marriages, one too many run ins with the law, failed childhood dreams, or simply the shallow fact that we can no longer walk up stairs without sweating and gasping for air and we can no longer fit into those jeans we were wearing just a few months (years) ago...the ones in the back of our closets (men have them too) that looked so great on us (in our teens and twenties) and now have a layer of fat (new) clothes piled up on top of them. We wonder.... "what the hell happened and when?"
And so I guess here is where I begin...
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